part 3 the solo sex worker

my final blog i dedicate to special friends in brisbane who warned me she said to me you cant do this you will have a target on your back i said who cares i used to joke with some people who weren't with me at the time to cover my pain i never wanted anyone to know how sick or psycholically deranged nick made me i say the devil made me do it.it started out as a psycotic episode which soon ended up in psycological derangement the night at terrys where i filped out it only be decribed as it was like i was on angel dust or speed but i was drug free i was yelling and screaming jumping up and dowm i was in a frenzy swinging my head pullling my hair is this you want to see i was in a pyscotic rae i was yelling about nick bashing me then went on about nick ridiculing me my brother raping me and throwing me out the window he said you sick bitch you fucked your brother and than theo suving a beer bottle up my ass then i ran out the door and jumped in my car i thought i was on my way home next thig i knew i was in dreadnaught st roselands i ran down the street and up into the next street i smashed every panel of my car in yelling out you evil barstard and ran down the street absolutely no one was in sight once again nick got people to lie for him.i returned to terrys yelling and screaming what about i dont know at some stage we rang my lawyer none off this was real to me i had lost my tap on reality i could tell my treatig doctor i was a sex worker i could tell him what was going on in head after i did i held my head and slouched over the steering wheel in the begining i went to a healing session at st stephens uniting church i beleived god had abandoned me all these years it was my faith that kept me going my mothers grandfather was a minister of religion .in the begining it started over sending one another stupid sms's some of them were quiet funny and stupid really i was very sick really terry and his drunken friends would stupid things to me so stupid me started texting other people to,then i went to get my car back i never broke in as it was alleged i had a entry card and key i toke my car and left did no damage stole nothing im not a theif and the question i ask the police and army if nick was so worried about me why didnt he ask the army to do a psyh assesment. these are the injuries i live with every day of my life damaged vision cant see in poor light severe anxiety which esculaes into psycotic rage panic episodes i get thoughts stuck in my head and it wont come out my mouth sometimes i choke on my words i am totally reliant on others i get disorientated often i can never find things in my handbag i see it but doesnt register in my brain.if only someone had helped before it was to late when i sent these messages i never knew what was wrong i never knew i was sick i never knew what psychartric hospital was.QUIET often my limbs just shake and i have to ask people what day is it today what is the date.nsw health said its not there problem so did nsw police service so did the defence force so old health and old police so who was suppose to help me.let me tell you about my introduction to the riverwood area aka the bronks they shuld come and film here for the sit com housos i met kurt shaw through my brother graeme i kept to myself i dont really talk to people unless they talk to me im not agressive unless people are rude to me the areas 60% drug addicts and dealer theres one scumbag called or saaid he uses kids and people that have psycological problems to move his drugs he moves his operatoin from houso unit to unit and lets everyone else take the wrap vermin and comes back in the evening to collect his takings.I used to have a unit at narwee when all this stuff nick was going on i had to go to sutherland court one day and i told them what nick was doing to me shelley and my lawyer was there and treated me like shit and basically said they didnt give a shit.When it was over i moved out i really had enough,the only regret i have is i wasnt sucessfull when i triedto commit suicide and im made to live like this every day of my life i have no fear of death you relise when your that close you cant take houses and money and wealth with you when you go.When i left narwee i left my furniture with my til i found a new place and he sold it to a shop without my permission for drugs.i met all these no hopers in riverwood through him,One day i met Kurt in his flat they sitting organising a drug deal little did i know to cut a long story short i befriended kurt because i thought i could get him off the drugs and show him how to live life without committing crime i never knew the extent of his criminal record anyway i was warned and i was wrong.I met a lady called Janice who kurt asked me her to answer the phone for me he asked her boyfriend luke to rob me at the end of the shift Janice told me and was really upset.Kurt to janices eand lukes one day he turned on there gas and walked out they were really pist he could killed everyone in the building.when i was at rooty hill i gave sarah $50 to get my divorce certificate from kurt he pretended to look through paers and ran off with the money.Recently two young police officers came to my mums and they totally sympathic with my plight with my son and they were perfect gentlemen.one day barry stewart chased with four of his mates from riverwood to penshurst and he hide.I to give barry money when he was hanging out my heart when out to him and for food we were on good terms til i met kurt,,kurt did want me to talk to anyone he use to accuse me of having sex with everyone in the building including a lady.one day luke rang me barry had chased my son scott through riverwood he went to luke for protection i had to protect my boys the police wouldnt so i went to pick him up i was off my meds and on ivf drugs i had been gardening i had a pick and garden tools in the car he threw stones at my car i stopped he kicked the door and the window and tried to pull scott out so i got out and chased him up the road with a pick he had a dog on his shoulder and dropped it and i sad whos the bitch now i was never going to huirt him but the brut got the message then shorter later he accused me of egging his unit spare wouldnt waste the two dollars.Then it was quiet for a while the lebenese moved in next to my sons i never bothered them or even said anything to them my rang me the day i was i got there and the lebanese man was on my sons property i demanded he got back on his own property my son had a spilt chin ihe had a swing at the other one the guy had previously sunk the boot into the dogs in park.he grabbed my hands and i dont like anyone touching me so i kneed him in the nads as girls do he hurt my wrists.the lebonese take up the whole street with trucks ,cars and in the side street they built a huge shelter out the back with electricity running to it someone told me theres more than one family and are running a business as well as centerlink if this true i dont k now but they most certainly got preferential treatment after the lebanese run riverwood i treat people.Then we come back to kurt he was sub letting his flat to the girlfriends sister and they were running herion from there and then back sub let it to someone else and now gets scripts for valium and temazepam and sell them to paul in the building i resent this because it makes it hard for drug free people like me with genuine problems.Duing this time with my family i was constantly hiding my wallet and my money would disappear and in large sums as soon as i closed my eyes it would be gone,they demand it and ver me til they got it yell at me make me pay there bills rent food drugs recently my son said to me you dirty fucken whore i should bash you when he found others know know what therve been doig to me.I really think the dept of husing should have moved ben a long tme ago,mick murphy put up a gazebo he was made to pull it down .When i moved to 43 maquarie street in brisbane my was always sending the kids to the rear of my house where i worked from to get money i would just give to them so they would go i never wanted my boys arund the sex industry i wanted to protect them from it and because of what happened at marrickville the policewomen said to i shouldnt have opened the door.so when i was attacked i never defended myself,my mother tried to pull these women off me.When i was in brisbane the redlands hospital knew i was suffering every day they i was heading towards psycotic i wonder why they regressed to quickly so much had happned there it took me 8 years to goback after chris's death we had child abuse child rape bashig the court order woodfood several assaults the trueth is they didnt really want to treat me because i was a sex worker ther was this indian doctor he looked down his nose at me and sad dr roberts had me over medicated and it took them 6 to 9 weeks to give me medication he gave me the shits i had an episode one day on him and said what would you know hes been a shrink for 40 years mate hes met serial killers ha ha get on a boat and piss off back to pakistan i think he got upset.During this every day was a fight not to commit suicide it became a compulsion i remember one day sitting on the floor holding my head hoping i would wake and just be normal again i would trade any amount of money for that.When i went back to brisbane around 2000 i met a sweet guy called nick p i reconcilled with him september of 2010 we had been communicating since april he promised the world a normal job a place to work and he said to me ill pay yor mortgage if you cant the whole time i was there dianne marshall was intimidating me the floods struck it was difficult for nick p started drinking conbined with pills that wasnt for me i got my own house i found a lawyer the police did have to come looking for me  because im not a criminali just didnt know what to do that was the problem.Eventually i told the lawyer to jam it and told them i would represent myself and they had it heard behind my back i was pist it reminded me of 1989 with my parents.When i was with nick.p i demanded he left the door unlocked after what kurt had done to me he kept locking it which aggravated me he wanted to marry me but why should i marry him and stay in this industry he was obsessed about having sex the time and couldnt stand for anymone to touch me  not even hold my hand they said it was from the abuse sexual dysfunction i laid in bed next to him he insisted on touchig me jump up and say no one touches when im sleeping so i slept on the futon and i used curl over to the edge of bed.nick tried hard i told him to find someone else .one day year ago when i was normal or at least half normal nick had friends over flat cooparoo and the george the guy that assaulted me as a teenager was there i was terrified can you beleive that it was so confronting he sid to nick i was trouble and i told nick to be careful of him he used to hang out at souths in brisbane i thik someone told me he used to hang out with the black ulans he later riped him off 10 thousand dollars nick had five women on the go before i arrived one only had one leg he liked all women obviously ha ha his son told me.when we spilt he send he sent me shit loads of nasty sms messages he said im going to cops on you going to centerlink ato your going to jail ive given you hep c i thought he'll get over it eventually he was good to me never leveled any violence at me so if ever read this peace with you always.And a special thanks to a special lady by the of jen who changed my life and gave me the faith to go on.